Am I soon to be homeless, again?

My work contract here in Perth expires at the end of March. Unless IBM Australia decides to pick me up again, then I loose my visa and have to leave the country. I don't have to go back to the US, but I would have to leave Australia. So this has me wondering what will happen in the next few weeks.

I suppose the worse case is that I will end up homeless again for a while. I no longer have anything back in the US. No car. No home. No job. If I catch a flight back to LAX, then I will have to walk out with only my laptop, bicycle, and a suitcase.

I have been given offers of short term places to stay. My friends in Santa Barbara said I can crash in their guest apartment. My sister in San Diego said I can crash at her house. But they have 3 kids and pets. My friend Martha said I could stay a little while in Tampa. I suppose my mom would let me crash at her house in Tucson if I really needed it. I haven't asked. And I would be mortified to do so.

But honestly, I don't wanna be a burden on anyone. I'm an adult. I should be able to take care of myself. I've been toying with some ideas. But pretty much everything involves money I can't afford to spend right now. I won't be able to rent any place until I find a job. And after that, I will probable have trouble because my credit still has some bad stuff on it left over from the divorce.

Back in 2000-2001 I was quasi-homeless. I mastered the art of "urban-camping". I was working in Los Angeles and my home with my estranged ex-wife in it was in Santa Barbara. In the best of circumstances, the drive between work and home was two hours. In traffic, three, possibly even four hours. I could not see myself working 10 hours a day, then spending 4 to 7 hours driving. The fuel expenses, the wear and tear on my vehicle, and the demands on my body and mind, would have killed me.

I considered renting a tiny place near work where I could crash. I couldn't find anything for less than $600 a month. That was too much money. I could not afford that. I considered renting a cheap motel room (like Motel 6) a few nights a week. But even that gets expensive. After all the taxes, a $50 a night room comes to $80. Plus the hassle of checking in and out. I also found that the cheap rooms had hard and uncomfortable beds, faulty plumbing, noisy neighbors, and they smell like stale cigars.

I owned a 12 year old pickup truck. So I bought a shell top for the bed. I put a camping air mattress in the back, a sleeping bag, pillow, and blanket, which gave me a place to sleep. I had a suitcase with my clothes in it. That is all I needed.

I also had a gym membership that was only $60 a month. This got me access to some nice gyms around California. That gave me a place to shower in the morning. So I reckoned that I was saving some serious money by sleeping in the back of my truck at night during the week. I would only need to drive home on the weekends.

It worked out fine. I found that I preferred to sleep in my own sleeping bag and pillow rather than a dodgy motel bed. I made sure that I kept the truck clean and tidy so that it would not stand out. The windows on the side of the shell were smoked, so people could not see in. If they pressed their faces against the window, they could not really make out that someone was sleeping inside.

The only things that would give me away were (a) my snoring, (b) someone seeing me crawl in or out of the back. I scouted out 6 quiet and semi-private places to park not to far from work. I would then rotate a different spot every night as to not get the neighbors suspectious. I would make sure that no one would see me crawl in or out of the back. I preferred to park in the parking lot of the gym that I would use in the morning. That way I could fall out at 5am and walk in when the doors opened.

Most nights were peaceful in West LA A few times a security guard would get very curious and start nosing around. One night I was backed up to a wall, and some punk jumped off the wall on to the roof of the truck. He was running away from something.

I would never drink any fluids past 8pm. That way I would not have to wake up in the middle of the night to pee. However, I anticipated that there might be an occasion where I had to go. So I stored a big bottle in the back as an emergency piss jar. Being the brilliant guy I am, I put some thought into the piss jar. I figured that if I had to use it, it might be a few hours before I could dispose of it, and it might smell. So I decided to be pro-active. I poured a little bit of bleach into the jar and kept it there. I figured that the beach will help manage the urine smell for a while.

Well one night it happened. I had to pee. Ah ha! I had planned for this emergency. So I stood on my knees in the back of the truck, removed the lid from the top of the emergency jar, unzipped my pants, stuck my penis into the jar opening, and let it go. So far. So good.

All of sudden I heard this strange hissing sound from the jar. The urine in the jar starting to boil. The sides of the jar got hot in my hands. Then a noxious cloud of gas came up and started burning my lungs and eyes. The jar, which was heavy plastic, started to melt. I couldn't breath, and I felt like my lungs were on fire.

I kicked open the back of the truck and fell out, gasping for air, blind, and with my penis hanging out of my pants, rudely interrupted in the middle of a piss. I am so glad that there was no one around at the particular time. I am even more glad that I didn't die then and there in the back of the truck. Can you imagine the police report? Middle age man found dead in the back of his pickup truck from mysterious causes with his dick hanging out of his pants.

I thought about what I did wrong and it hit me. I was such an idiot! What is in bleach? Chlorine. What is sometimes found in urine? Ammonia. There must have ben enough ammonia in my urine to trigger a chemical reaction with the chlorine in the bleach. You know what happens when you mix chlorine and ammonia, right? Bad stuff. It is lethal.

Lesson learned. Never piss into a bottle of bleach.

So getting back to my predicament. If I end up back in the US with no job, money, home, etc. I will see if I can scrape up enough to buy a pickup truck with a shell, and a Gold's Gym membership. I think that I will be able to survive until I get back on my feet again.

And my emergency piss bottle will have dish soap in it.